Thursday, June 04, 2009

The 9 Best Cell Phones to Smuggle in your Ass



There was a recent news story about a teen who was arrested for texting in class and then hiding her phone down her pants and refusing to hand it over. Many of the sensationalist headlines and stories made the claim that the girl " hid the phone in her butt." This claim is obviously erroneous. She slid a small phone down her pants, but it was not "in her butt." At least I don't think it was.

Even though the story was exaggerated, it really got me thinking. What if you were faced with circumstances where hiding your cell phone in your butt might actually be a good idea? Perhaps you are abducted and need to hide your phone until it is safe to call 911. Maybe some nosy government bureacrats come sniffing around your property. Whatever the reason- If you had to hide your cell phone, what would be the best cell phones for hiding in your ass?

I consulted 4 friends who are experts in wireless phones and security/survival tactics. John S. works as a salesman for a Verizon Wireless dealer in New York. Mark P. is a manager at an AT&T Solutions store in Ohio. Robert is a Homeland Security expert and consultant for several Washington, D.C. think tanks. Vince is a former Navy SEAL who teaches an Urban survival course in California.

I asked Robert if he was aware of any smugglers who have successfully hidden cell phones in their ass. His reply was " Well, first I think I should make clear that the rectum is an output and not an input. Many smugglers agree with me. However, they are not above hiding narcotics or other contraband in their rectum. A cell phone would be an entirely different issue. While modern phones have become smaller and slimmer, they still tend to be a litle too large for the human anal cavity. Many of the criminals we deal with prefer the prepaid phones, which also tend to be a bit larger. For example, the Trac Phone popular with terror cells is quite large." I asked Robert if the promise of 72 virgins would encourage many men to lose their anal cherry to a large Nokia. Apparently he was not amused, as he hung up.

My friend John has been selling phones for Verizon Wireless for the last 8 years. He has sold literally tens of phones over the years and is familiar with the latest models. I asked him if he knew what the smallest phones were or the phones that would most likely fit in that certain place. " You mean the butt?" He then told me he had a chick, her mom, and her grandmom come in and all want phones on a family plan. "This chick was pretty beat, man. Maybe a three-bagger. Grandma really liked me and said I should date her granddaughter. I said I was taken but I could totally sell her a cell phone though." John told me he would recommend a small phone that vibrates.

Mark wasn't much help either. He kept telling me that he didn't really know which phones would be the best fit, but that if they were AT&T network they would have really good reception anywhere, even in a body cavity. He also wanted me to try his new TV service and high speed internet bundle. I told him uverse wasn't available in my area and I liked my cable company. He recommended a "super slim" Motorola Krazr phone, but I was wondering if that meant it was also very wide. He said some people just liked it that way for some reason.

I knew Vince would have some answers. I know Vince through a mutual friend who is convinced we are on the brink of economic collapse and will have to fight for our survival. Vince seems like a good guy who is willing help some fools part from their money. And he really knows his stuff. He taught my friend Bill W. ( name changed to protect his ass) how to escape from hostage situations, among other things. I figured Vince would have some thoughts on hiding a cell phone in case of an emergency. " Ah yes, in fact we did have Bill run through one of those scenarios. He actually used a Blackberry Storm, which is a surprising choice. But Bill was a real trooper." I really could not believe this at all. How could my friend Bill, a notorious tightass, smuggle a BlackBerry Storm without detection? " In dangerous times, the human mind is an incredible force and can make the body do things you wouldn't believe. If someone wants to kill you and the only way to live is to shove a phone the size of a brick inside of you, that phone is going in your ass." Wow. That must feel like shitting a brick.

I was hoping for more help from my experts, especially the Homeland Security consultant. However, I think I got enough information to narrow it down. A lot of this is common sense. Obviously a very small phone will cause the least discomfort. But as Vince said, in a life or death situation, the human body is capable of amazing feats. In making this list I evaluated a number of factors, including: manufaturer, network reliability, features, and price. Keep in mind that the primary criteria were emergency use and smuggling without detection.

The following phones are available on Verizon or AT&T Wireless. Based on my research and experience these carriers have the best prices and coverage. I also believe their network will follow you just about anywhere, which is obviously very important.

9. Samsung Smooth U350 - For Verizon Wireless. The name says it all. Because it's so smooth going in. It's a "practical phone with just the features you want." That sounds perfect to us. The dimensions are 3.9 x 1.9 x 0.8 inches.

8. Samsung Sway U650 Verizon Wireless- The Sway measures at only 0.5 inches thick. I think the benefits here are obvious. It doubles as a practical phone and music player. It really makes that ass "sway." We recommend only using the phone features in an emergency situation.

7. Motorola Krave ZN4 - I have selected the Krave because of its clear protective touch cover. This flips down and protects the phone when it is closed. I think this could come in handy for keeping the screen clean and the phone in working order.

6. Blackberry Storm 9530 - For friends of Bill W and the adventurous survivalist in all of us. This is the ultimate survival smartphone, if you can handle the 2.5 inch width.

5. Samsung Glyde U940- The Verizon Wireless "Gentle Glyde" phone includes a huge touchscreen and QWERTY Keyboard, but it opens ( glides) instead of flipping like the similar Voyager. It also checks in at 2 inches of width, much smaller than the Blackberry.

4. Pantech Breeze c520 for AT&T Wireless- This phone features a compact design that is affordable and flexible. Perfect for an emergency smuggling situation, it's "a breeze."

3. ATT Blackberry Pearl 8110- This offering from AT&T Wireless is another phone with a great descriptive name. Unlike the larger Blackberry Storm that Bill trains with, the Pearl will help keep your waters calm and provide a relaxing experience. Gives a whole new meaning to being a Pearl Girl.

2. Motorola KRZR - Our top pick from AT&T. Mark, our ATT&T salesman, helped us pick this one out. The Krzr has improved on the style and features of its predecessor, the popular Motorola Razr. Very slim and not too wide at only 1.7 inches, advanced voice dialing is another excellent feature.

1. Samsung Juke U470- At just 1.2 inches wide and 0.8 inches thick, this phone seems like it is made for the job. The Juke is a "real crowd-pleaser" and one of the few "slim" phones that are just as described. I realize "slim" is a relative term in this situation, but overall the Samsung Juke is my personal pick as "The Best Cell Phone to Smuggle in Your Ass 2009".